Thursday evening at L'Anchorage

We settle on this for our special meal out the two of us. The place is heaving and is predominant French diners which seems a good sign. Madame cuts an imposing figure and guide us to a nice table for two between two nice french couples who greet us pleasantly. Immediatly struck by the proximity of tables here what I thought were foursomes turn out to be couples. The food coming in and out looks brill. Huge assietes de fruits de mer. The gaff does simple grilled lobster and a choice of crabs. The assiete appeals in its presntation and elegance, byt I don't like oysters and whels seem a waste, winkles don't rate a mention. We opt for Kir Breton as aperitif, its a blackcurrant and cidre combo. A sort of sophisticated cider and black. The menu is awesome, we are truly spoilt for choice.
So starters Jean goes for saumon tartare. Which is a delicious mix of raw salmon, apple, onion and chives with a balsamic dressing. It is served with creme fresh and chive sauce for adding to it.
I head for petroncenelles force (sp) which is stuffed queen scallops. Wowser it was great. Mains gets better Jean does pan fried St Jacques and. I opt for gougonettes de st pierre (john dory) in a creme moules sauce. It was terrific we had some Muscadet and some Cointreau as a digestif. It came to a steep 110€ which would have been ok but over here puts it in the pricey end. But it was worth it for such a gastronomic delight.
Before Jim the editor starts wondering why I chose to post this to menshealth land, I would point out two reasons.
Firstly many people don't understand the effects of bariatric surgery. I won't people to know that at three years out I can sort of eat normally. I also need to remind myself to email a books pubblisher pointing that out.
My second reason for posting it here is about how my bi-polar affects me spending wise. When high I can (and do) go on spending sprees. With a passion for high tech gadgetry and accessible spending thro the web its a 24/7 thing even when you're the only one awake ebay and amazon are at work. Combined with ridiculous credit limits and fresh offers through the post its not hard to see the recipe for disaster. During my last manic phase I bid a few times on a 1972 Dennis pump escape ex Kent fire serices. Seemed like a good plan to me. The lack of storage space or mechanical savvy to maintain it meant nowt to me. When I am down I have delusions of poverty, even though I can see the money in the bank I don't believe its mine or spendable. I make jean acccount for every penny spent. I am racked with guilt about financial decisions and mistakes I have made in the past. I begrudge spending money on me, feeling unworthy of outlay. Last night I had a blip about the bill it shocked me that it was so much and I wondered whether I was worth it. Jean is worthy of more than that but within me, the self loathing doesn't see the worth.
Part of this week and this time of rest and relaxation has taught me I have to learn to give to me as freely as I give to others. I am a good person, though on the black days I feel far from that. Worries about my ill health retirement wll no doubt knock me again. I long ago stopped defining who I was by my status in the NHS, think it was about 1982 when I passed my finals, status is for jerks I always felt, but that was cause I had it. Wonder if I'll feel different soon.

Health update and Wednesday generally.

So I thought I should take a look at how my health has been affected by the holiday. So firstly happy birthday blog three years old today. Never thought it would last its surprised me. I think the blogging has helped from a health point of view too. Often looking back how I have been up and down it helps. Also helps to get it down on paper so to speak. So the holiday is good for me and good for Jean and Ally. I am eating well but exercise is up I find some of the situations quite difficult being deaf and not very good at French causes real awkward situations.
Physical health well let's analyse it.
I am not drinking enough water.
I am drinking too much alcohol cidre and wine.
I am taking a very good level of exercise.
I am sticking to pouch rules. (A rnyers essential mantra).
I am 100% compliant with psychtropics and about 80% compliant with supplements.
Last night I woke with a coughing fit that seemed linked to posture. Ie when I sat up it stopped. I was knakkered and it stuck with all day. I had a sore throat too, the coughing and spluttering had lef me with plueritic pain.
Mentally you can see I still have a strong psychosomatic element to my feelings. My mood is up and down, but still on the low side. I have very odd ideas with no strong basis. I speak to Jean she reminds me I am off on one and brings me down to earth.
The being away from worries and stuf helps.
So today I fulfilled an achievement and went to the top of the abbey at Mont St Michel. Last time I had been here I sat miserable in the carpark, today I have been up to the top and it feels great. We lunch in a pleasant place and I eat langoustines, delicious. Then back to the house wet and through a mess of people. Then Colin drops the girls and I at the cybercafe. Had a laff tring to upload my images on cf card ended up with them on cd - hey ho. Back home spag bog for tea and colins off into town to watch everton try to get into europe.

Wednesday health update.

This may be a game of two halves I am sat in st malo cybercafe and there are no empty desks. The nice man has burned my photos to a cd.

Should have listened to Nobby.

Nobby Forbes was our language teacher in first year seniors. I was terrified of him, he was a great teacher, a great man and was mentioned in the Colditz story. I should have taken advantage of his ability to impart the gift of languages. Instead I horsed about big time and wasted my chance. Its payback time. I woke up early and took a stroll around sleeping Marville I happen along a cross between an off licence and hardware shop. Staff it with Arkwrights gallic cousin and you'll see what I am getting at. First part is easy self serve sucre, cafe, comfiture, margarine, jambon and fromage prove more difficult. When it comes to milk things go down hill fast. I ask for lait s'I'll vous plait - he offers me garlic and goes on to attempt to proffer suggestions. I avoid the milking gestures and mooing sounds as I am uncertain of French mental health legslation. I give up and we go for black coffee. I feel ashamed over my ignorance at this mans fine language. Interestingly I used to be better than this but my confidence is shot. I find it haard to even attempt. After breakfast much welcomed by my housemates its Colin and I to intermarche. Fine facility with all a holiday. Maker needs. Most impressed by the fish counter and the British aisle end. They have us clocked with our cruchies OXO and HP sauce. Fine complex Colin purchases nice cakes then home. We lunch in the garden on hand built pizza and the girls have calzone. Off to St.Malo by bus number 3 stopping outside L'Hippodrome the jorney is memorable for two reasons. 1. Its low cost €1.20 and 2. The presence of an unkempt armed elderly Russian sailor. Not sure if he is a comedy turn or the real mccoy. Might be armed and fuelled on cheap stolly. Leave him be says I. Bus drops you a spit fromthe walls and we split up. Girls much round town we tramp the ramparts. Taken by the view across the bay and its many islands. Its lovely and with hot sun and brisk wind I feel better already. To be continued.

Uncertainty

Part of managing my bi-polar is about minimising uncertainty and preventing anxiety by planning and preparing structure. The pendulum magazine (from the manic depressive fellowship which arrived this am) contains no helpful chapters on complete freakin disasters. This is rapidly detiorating to to that level I feel feel unable to cope on several levels, my anxiety which usually makes me restless has now paralysed me. The phone doesn't stop colin and jenny pop in the situation changes by the minute.
Stomach churns and bowels try to perform the same maneouvre. I aint sure what chemical I am producing but it isn't good. Don't do the 72 jobs I was meant too.
Light shines when dave the garage man says would I mind if it wasn't diesel. I wouldn't mind if it was a rickshaw mate. After 6 when he hasn't rung I write him off. I feel I can't go on holiday I am. Just too ill, going to bed on burying myself in a warm cocoon seems a good plan.
A cunning plan borrow mickeys zafira with integral top box. Seems a go-er to me. He discusses it with jane and fatima at the outsourced call centre. Its a goer. Bad news keeps coming its gonna cost good news its ten quid.
We set off micks face tells it all its a no go unless we take jane or him fatima had it wrong. No worries we take the box. Becomes clear that it won't fit either on the zafira or the laguna without an additional purchase. Get it in the back then off the plastic pub at winwick quay for a terribble pint of smoothflow tetley.
Off home jean makes colin a butty did I mention he is locked out of his house. He kips on the couch.

Next morniing git from the garage rings and asks how its going - mistake - I tell him. My heads gone colin tried 3 halfords couldn't get the bits required. Somwhow we squeeze in but I worry as ever. By 11 we are on the road. We are on the m6 snd the rides good but the traffics pants.

This is not good for my mental health.

Day starts ok. Pick ally up and we breakfast in tesco then its to the surgery for a quick appt with dr birch or so I thought. 10 minute wait 5 minute breakdown of my previous medical history and reason for attending (ie issuing a sicknote). Then 30minute discussion covering faith self loathing obesity surgery bi-polar loss of a parent cricket computers church and prayer. This boy is holistic powerful stuff. Out of there and off to see mum. Message to ring jean not good car aint gonna be ready. Head flips. Trying to get me a replacement car, problem seems to be going to Europe. Oh dear 12 or so fone calls. This isn't pretty. I feel sick, my pessimism flicks into hyperdrive. 10000 scenarios are played out in my scared mind. I can suddenly multiprocess and concentrate with alarming ease. My vision seems clearer than ever, all things flowing into a pit of despair.

Tis Wednesday the sun shines

I feel brighter today. Only forget six or seven times ALly is away. Quiet am doing this and that. Ally rings from hairdressers something tells me she's not best pleased. I talk with a friend who recently had wls. Post op blues is common tied in with a sense of loss and experiencing this rollercoaster of emotions thaty is trundling upwards. Like most blokes he has hidden away on his dark days. I do that, I tell him to get in touch but he reads this site and didn't want to add to my woes. Two points mate a) reading this stuff may be detrimental to your health and b) support is a 2 way street. I am a great bliever in a co-counselling model. In my world there is no therapist and no patient, we all just shuffling along.
The weather is good ( think I already said that). Get an email from someone who got a website card who recognised my nan on the site who lived three doors up from her. Turns out me mum is her godmother small world innit.
Off to the top score cash and then into the coffee shop. There's Sam top woman from SLPCT. We take tea together and have a good catch up. She's sound. Still blog watching too. Then its back home with the butties.
Incapcity benefit form - deep joy. 40 pages of dreary stuff. I can't do it but Jean does the main bit. Will only be a short term thing I think whilst I am waiting on a pension. Its a means tested benefit unless you are on the higher rate care component of DLA.
We complete the form in the garden then a much appreciated visit from kieran.

Monday - DIY and stuff.

Do it by someone else would be nearer. First job is drop motor off at GBE. JK follows me then gives me a lift home. We visit strange magical places I have never been in. Trade Ironmongers and locksmiths. Good job he is in command I am immediately transported back to second year of secondary school and the delight of asking the teacher for a bastard file. We buy locks keys bolts and stuff impressive. Then its back to ours and he shows me how easy it is to break in via a patio door. Took us ten seconds and we were being careful. He sorts that the front door and the back door. We listen to cricket in between. He shoots off and comes back an hour later. We are getting interviewed by http://www.lse.ac.uk/collections/sociology/whoswho/throsby.htm Karen is sound. We met her February the day I went off sick. She is doing a bit of work that you can read about part of http://staff.bath.ac.uk/psssr/weightyissues-spkrs.html near the bottom of this. She is a top sort, she doesn’t mind waiting a bit while we watch some cricket. Interview complete Jean Ally and Jodie join us for a meal at the Madhari. Top stuff.

Hope I get the car back Tuesday. Facelift time for blog me thinks.

On feeling fat and miserable.

Yes I have put on weight. I know why, my consumption of energy has exceeded my energy expenditure. Its Newtonian physics simple stuff, first law of thermodynamics.

Booger. This could drag me down further into an abyss, I could start to believe that this is the beginning of the end. That within months I will crack twenty stone and all is lost.

Or alternatively I can sit down and rationally make a plan (that would be a first). So I need to decrease energy intake and increase energy expenditure.

Initial obstacle is our holidays which loom large. I have a date with moules frites, lobster, cider and many other local specialties. Breakfast is a feast in France for me, after a trot to the boulangerie its croissant jambon and fromage. So serious plans will be adjourned. Just start applying the brakes to the supertanker between now and Friday have a good holiday then back into gear. Jean and I resolve to do something in September. Diets don’t do it for me but I need structure.

Reductil is a drug used to help manage obesity, I can’t go on it because it interacts with the prozac. They do however run a sort of programme you follow when you are on it. I got a few copies of the kit at a conference so I am going to try it. To fully register you need a batch number from a pack of the stuff but we shall do an unplugged version.

I shall document it in the blog for posterity, and to enable reflection.and I shall even be weighing and analyzing my body fat on a weekly basis. I need to get it under control before the NOF gig in October.

Still I have the holiday to look forward to and I cant wait.

Before anyone is tempted to castigate me for weight gain excessive consumption try this for three years, the phrase it isn’t a magic pill becomes very clear.

Seems clear I either tackle this head on – or sit vegetate and eat more.

 

 

Saturday feeling down.

People often say they feel depressed, I wonder if they know what it means and how it feels. Today I feel ghastly. I dont want to bother with anything. I want to just get to bed, I feel a burden, useless and start dwelling on the negative things in my life. I start to worry about the future, not anything in particular money, health the future it all seems black.
I feel on the scrapheap - at 44. I worry that people think I am on the fiddle, I hate it that I look so well, and feel so crap. I see someone in the street and they say how are you - I generally say fine- most people dont really want any answer.
Actually I am stuck in a year long depressive phase of Bi-polar Affective Disorder - how are you.
Everything aches, everything is too much effort I am scared to say how I feel in case I taint everyone else. I dont know what to do.
We go to Cheshire Oaks an outlet village. After a 20 minute journey that took nearly an hour cause of the rain I feel yuk. Lunch in a food outlet in a food court. Yuk.
Then into a shop to purchase a waterproof jacket. I try a XXL and it doesnt touch. I run out panicking - is this the return of the fat bloke. I sweat and  breathe quickly. I go to the car and calm down. I feel really down and black thoughts darken my horizon. I fight it and go to another shop. It fits, snug but zips. Then I look and see its only XL. The 2XL fits well check it out.

Thursday and Friday

Knakkered car has a fuel problem. Needs to go in Monday. Lunch with Kim, Thursday, general chilling.Friday all off to orthodontist visit mum off home chillout.
Pick Frank and family up at ringway. Impressed with Kierans new database.

Heart stopping cricket

It looked easy, but life has taught me things that look easy seldom are. The aussies were doing great worse still it was shane. Warne. Then he walked into his own stumps and we all laffed. Then it got shakey again. Then we won by 2 runs. It was a thrilling end to a great game. Then we hard to start getting ready for Jeans birthday tea. Having ther family round aint never easy and this is a full hit on jeans side plus my mam and eleanor from next door who we have adopted. She's as cool as a 92 year old gets. I have cross posted this to mens health blog and up till now it aint clear.
Its all going well then my sister in law asks me how I am - alweays a tough question when prefaced by you look great. There is no doubt physically I do. I have a tan that has took some work. I look in good shape though physically could be better. Hell I can even manage a few hours withou looking depressed. I can appear happy and smiling even inside I feel full of self disgust and loathing. Ask any fat bloke they can all do it. Jolly fat man les dawson done large. When you are trapped in a prison of your own making you learn to look happy. In fact a GSOH is an asset in all walks of life. So what wrong Bernadette asks. Then its every mental health problem sufferers dilemma - fess up or cover up. I am tending to fess up more to be honest. Though it can lead to some backing off, it kind of feels sincere and I swear people think its catching. Its nice to know if they do., usually they are the ones who say loudest there aint an issue, and you never see or hear from them again. !
Bernadette scores well ands isn't too phased. To be fair a minor phase is to be accepted. Most people think bi-polar is an american disease. Or that the weird bloke on casualty has it (and he came off his pills on sat night). Note to jim - a piece there bipolar in the media - how it affects my life.

Saturday busy busy busy

Getting ready for Jeans birthday tea. Tesco delivery, watching a great days cricket. Freddie da boy shoves it up the aussies. Most enjoyable. Off to tesco and a stroll to Allerton Road to see the optician catch turgit and heather tweedle en route. Two new pairs of glasses and back for the shopping. Off home and pizza for tea. Trying to sort the relocation of andrew next week.

Friday continued

We lunch in a pasta place. Then the drudge of going round shops and we have a coffee in costa at waterstones then home. I really don't like shopping home and tea. Off to beas friday night.

Relief done big

It’s all a bit anti-climactic having been on this roller coaster the last weeks and tossed in all directions I feel able to settle. I am exhausted. I whip Ally to an appt and while an hour blogging from Tescos coffee shop. Puzzled by the fact that you can’t get fresh orange in the there even more puzzled that the lady says I cant go buy one in the store and then drink it in there. But hell I rebel and do. A glass of fresh OJ is an essential start to anyday for me. I chug around pick Ally up then back home. Catch up with a couple of people then its off to get mum and pick JK and Jody up. We are doing Southport for a fun day out. Southport is a genteel seaside place where nice old people retire and the orange lodge visit on the 12^th July. There is no sea - well there is but its miles away. As the ladies play prize bingo we stroll along the pier, nice history to be found here. A trot round the town and mother feels complete. He says chronic liver and kidney and heart difficulties on top of diabetes and a worrisome personality but she gets by.

Wednesday Franks and St Pauls.

So its off to franks for the nine twenty slot. In we get he reads letter from eye bloke ok need to rule out pituitary tumour Asap. Two choices and its up to me. 1) normal referral st pauls and wait mebbe 6 weeks. 2) go down today with letter and experience stress but get quick answer. We pick 2.
Back home see ally tell her, go to st p in the royal. Then we are off. Get fields redone, then told the mornings doc knocking off and come back at 2 to see another guy.
Not sure what we can do and to be honest this poleaxes us. So the foody in me reigns supreme and we off to the other place bistro in town. Cept its changed its name it looks similar but is now called the side door. The nice lady who owned the 2 other places in allerton has flogged them and her partner is the chef here.
Anyway I do calves liver and miustard mash and jean does goats cheese and onion tart interestingly also chosen by fellow diners alan yates and sue rubin of merseycare. Good old sue she doesn't change much but I don't let on. Brisk trot back past cathedal I pass some prayers via the paddys wigwam which to them I guess is a broadband connection to God.
This bloke is fantastic a registrar but already a Mr. He takes an extensive history and is impressed with franks thourough referral and the opticians visual field report. He is impressed with my blackberry and is clearly a gadget bloke. I take to him immediatly. He is able to exclude pituitary probs from the fields. I have a consistent abnormality across 3 tests. I was worried I was missing something. He examines. My eyes so thoroughly I can't believe it. He stains them with drops then does it again. He then says he needs to dilate my pupils, checks I am not driving and does the deed. Come back in 20 says he. We head of for coffee and I remember what. Its like having these drops on a bright day. Jean sees some old colleagues. Then back down wait about 10 and its in again. More examination, jean has joined us this time. He has a good look and he decides I have tilted optical nerves and an anomaloy in my visual field defect. Nothing to worry about but come back in 2 month!
s to see low pressure glaucoma specialist.
Deep joy eyes now hurting from brightness of light I hold Jeans elbow to navigate to the carpark. She drives home I have my eyes shut. We have been through it and its been exhausting but we through it.
Relief juice now changed to celebration juice.

Walking in the city

So we chug around the leafier bits of gateacre and nether childwall. Its a good resource and an enjoyable pace. Judging by the lager tins its a popular yoof outlet too. JK is as stated many times a diamond geezer he listens to my moanin and takes the piss. He doesn't do bland reassurance but shows he cares in more practical ways. He points out the upside of head cancer. He thinks I am overdue for a face transplant. Now that he is clearly a skinny short arsed git with no bum. Who is the ugliest is the main topic of discussion between us. He will win every time he has the looks of a movie star. Jackie coogan fester to his friends.
We discover the brown cow oft fancied but never visited lovely looking old time boozer looks great delivers little. We swiftly move on the blackbull a nice lookin gaff from the outside but plastic (albeit nice plastic inside). It has very really drun k regulars too. We end up in the childwall abbey. That's thwe best beer summer lightning.
Which was a good forecast for the totally understandable mood which greeted me when I arrived home. Jean understood that I needed what jk called relief juice. I am cacking it.

Loop line loopy

Its 11.23 and just arrived in st pauls primary care centre.
Anyway back to yesterday past our house runs route 56 which runs from the pier head to th loopline, that becomes part of the trans pennine trail which is part of E8 which goes across europe. That's some cycle ride. Me and jk walk about the board at the triangle and work out how to get there. Down childwall park avenue past the mersey telly studios, home of brookie and hollyoaks. Past the parish church and then down well lane we pick up the track. Decision time southport or halewood we head south for halewood. Its the old cheshire lines railway loop line. So its a flat tarmacked path

Tuesday Doc Hibbert

Its a lovely mornin, and we are off to aintree to see doc h. He is based in strathclyde, a former mental unit in the grounds of aintree. Opposite the vets at. The longmoor lane end. I have met him twice before a top man with real good manner. In october last year I saw him and begged him not to finish me up. Seems odd now. He listens to my sorry tale and asks pertinent well thought questions. He needs reports from the prof before moving forward - fair enough. He will write to the boss to. Its a lovely day but the stress of it all leaves me knackerred. We collapse in the garden and soak up rays. JK calls round earlier than expected, we all natter. Allys gone for a picnic and jean wants to be alone and chill. That's cool. I have researched a route tbc.......

Monday - I feel strangely calm

Went to lunch at Greenbank with ally had a diifficult convesation about the tests and things we are then off to speke retail. I pick up some new earphones for pocket pc to replace mp3 player I flogged to macca. To be honest it was not a wise purchase. Anyway didn't lose too much in the deal and learnt a lot. Then its in to borders I sit listening to tunes blogging and chillin.
Whenever I stop diverting myself I worry I realise that in a couple of weeks I will look back and think - fooll you always think the worst. I hope
Jean comes in she looks worn out. Poor thing its worse for her. We eat prawns salad and get worried together, more of this to come for sure. I drink wine and watch crap omn telly. Worried about tomorrows occ health appt too. Deep joy

Monday morningh help from unexpected quarters

Jean gets off to work she isn't feeling the best. Drops the letter at the surgery and has a cry when she gets into work. I can't concentrate I have several things to do but can't be bothered. Jim Pollard hails me on the Skype diamond geezer Jim. Speak to a few friends and surf the web. Find someful useful info and my view is I will be invesigated for a non secreting pituitary tumour. I don't think I have any of the secreting signs. I have some intermittent very odd heaches over the last 6 months, thought it was hypertension but bp ok. Can't reallly pin much else down - cept I am on a shed load of meds. We shall see. Anyway the process will generate material for the blog. Bright side trying to generate positives. Get some touching personal messages on the site.
Feelin a bit angry, the last three years I have had surgery endoscopy mania depression bipolar obstruction peritonitis pnuemonia depression. Feels like I done my share - can't I have some time off. OK whinge over I got lots of blessings too and I pulled through all this and will pull through. Bring it on.
Cancer giggles man do a google on it is a good grounder. Gallows humour here I come.

Sunday worries, mortality, and anxiety.

Sunday morning expecting two pieces in the paper about WLS this am one I was involved in by Rachel Cooke in the Observer, and another a member approached the news of the world about. People are worried about them both, me more worried about the NOTW than the Observer. I hunt around online and find a shortened version at

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,6903,1539398,00.html worried about the three individuals involved two of whom have worries for different reasons. My 11.30 my paper copy hasn’t arrived so I hoof it to the top. Get one and by the time I get back ours has been delivered. Mixed but awareness raising is how I feel – a couple of ouch moments for individuals but on the whole it doesn’t come out too bad.

I have more crap going on about this referral. For a bizarre reason and a trigger I couldn’t find I start crying at lunchtime. I feel paralyzed by fear, terrified not of dying but of endless visits to hospital and waiting for results and all that entails. I couldn’t go the shops, couldn’t go on my pc, I watch some trash telly. Jean brings some food and something is point together, some meat balls and pasta I think but my mind has divorced my mouth and its not even registering as a meal.

This week also sees my visit to Occupational Health – to say I am bricking it about that is an understatement. I don’t really have my head round how it works. I see the amusingly named DR Hibbert at Occ Health. I met him a couple of times and begged him not to finish me off. I don’t know where we go from there. The afternoon drags I cant even get into one of fave trash movies the epic a bridge too far, my head is all over the place. Jean kips ally reads and I panic. We eat some salad in the garden, Shortly after tea Frank my GP rings, He is a friend and is looking for a lift to Manc airport next week. Sure says I, after a long How are you conversation.

Starts with are you sure you want to know, Frank as ever is the man. Need to get referred and rule out a pituitary adenoma, this seems to offer a useful factual statement http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/help/default.asp?page=5310

Have an Interesting, is this my anxiety fuelled by my irrational thoughts or is this on top of the interview scary stuff.

One is bad enough the two are a ball breaker – result being scared is natural. Frank also reminds me about my PTSD which is enuff to scare me more than any growth in the nut.

Can I point out that since worrying about this, this am I have an increasing incidence of neurological signs. These range from headache tremor, and just a sensation that have a huge growing thing in my nut.

Hmm a worry when and what to tell my mum, Brother David if you read this don’t say nowt to her. I shall consult with Mary – let her tell her seems a cowards way out but an excellent plan..